Thursday, December 23, 2010

and so this is Christmas.

lately i've felt dark and quiet inside.
i've felt like my light that burns so bright and overpowers everything dark in it's path;
i feel like it's not bright enough sometimes.

i don't know who reads this. i don't know if there are people out there who read this and who don't know what my current situation is...
here it is in a nutshell.

1. I'm a wreck these days.
2. I try hard (so.hard.) to be a good person and shine my light on others.
3. I have come to so many epiphanies and realizations and reached the 'next level' of comprehension of the human psyche merely through the day-to-day interaction and conversation with friends that i feel like i may just explode. I have a million thoughts a minute that i feel like everytime i have a relevant realization, i feel the need to blog it or somehow articulate it but it's never at an opportune time. I'll be serving a customer and feeling like shit and faking a smile, and they'll look at me and tell me that i'm the brightest part of their day. I'll be in the kitchen and prepping desserts and the cook will look at me and tell me i'm 'pretty good for a girl'. I read so much into these moments and overanalyze them, but it's heightened my awareness to the point of me realizing what it is that makes us human.
4. I had a conversation that spiralled downward into the fundamentals of what it is that


the question, "What is the meaning of life"? has gone unanswered until now.

I have realized that the meaning of life is to ultimately be the person who proves themselves to be superior to the rest of civilization. We live 'selfless' lives by helping others because we WANT TO BE PERCEIVED AS BETTER THAN THE SELFISH WHO DON'T CARE...but when it comes down to it, does that not make us selfish? We want to prove that we are helpful and caring and generous and grateful, so that we can feel better than our peers who are uncaring.
We are divided into 2 categories as a species; the ones who try to better the world around us, and the ones who take advantage of what the world can give us. The givers want to be responsible for the change, the shift of human consciousness. They want to disprove the belief that we are all born to die, and our time on this planet is irrelevant. They want to sincerely CHANGE THE WORLD and whether or not it's selfish, it's respectable. On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have the ones who know that we all have an expiration date and milk every drop of life that they can. They know that we're all gonna die and there's vulnerable people out there who will cave to their every whim and make their existence more pleasureable, usually on a material level.
The givers are the optimists. They want to change the taker's perception of life, regardless of it's on a physical, material level or a human, emotional level. They like to believe that their light can overpower the dark, they want to believe that they can change a person who's jaded and dead on the inside to someone who is more like-minded and positive. They NEED to believe that their light can overpower the dark. They need to see the darkest of the dark and try to change that with their light. They need to be challenged constantly, given new hurdles to jump and new obstacles to overcome; they need to find someone/something who is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum and shift that person's mentality to prove that they are ultimately right.
For instance.
Take a girl who is a taker.
Hey, she's fucked on every level. She hates herself, she can't deal with her emotions, she puts other people down to elevate her own self-worth, she slowly kills herself in any way she knows how because she feels that she deserves it. She goes to parties because she knows that she's pretty enough to bat her lashes and inhale your 8-ball with a giggle and a smirk and there's never a question of paying for anyfuckingthing tonight.
She'll charm you with a cheap smile and make you feel important. To you, that's somehow enough. She thinks you're a fucking idiot.
Night after night she does this. Night after night she feels deader, more vacant, more she's only good for one thing.
Smile. Take a pretty picture. Dress like a slut. Drink all the punch.
At the end of the night, there is nothing. NOTHING.
All along, she's known that she is a good person. All along, she has known that she has her intellect and her charm and her fascination for the world around her to keep her fueled, she doesn't need the worthless compliments or the many vices she has come to depend on to keep her alive.
She realizes that life is about living, not trying to kill. It's not about tamping down emotions with chemicals, it's not about seeing the dark side of people to try to feel empowered, it's not about self medicating because she has somehow deserved this feeling of inadequacy.
Her life becomes about trying to show others that living is possible without trying to make something else die. Her life becomes about overcompensating for the fact that she was at one point; a selfish, naive, ungrateful hollow excuse for a human life.
Her highs come from making SOMEONE ELSE smile, when they feel undeserving of it.
Her highs come from elevating someone else's self-worth, because she KNOWS how it feels to have that epiphany herself, how validating it is for someone to point out every positive aspect of her and know that it's not just hollow vacant words.
Her highs come from knowing deep down, that she has always been deserving of kindness and respect but pushed it away because someone else was always trying to push HER down to elevate THEMSELVES.

I have known the dark side. I have tried hard, so bloody fucking hard to make every sad person i know smile because i know that i've BEEN THEM and it's POSSIBLE for them to smile and be the person who i am today.
I know that i am in the place, the situation that i'm in today because i tried to prove myself to be a good person to someone who will ultimately never comprehend the enormity of what i'm trying to offer. Some things will never be changed. Some values are set in stone, and that's commendable. I want to make the world a better place, yet ultimately, i have a self-destructive side and that is my choice to make whether it's via alcohol, self-hate, or unattainable goals.

Life lesson learned:

We are all born knowing that we are going to die.
From an evolutionary standpoint, we want to be the most successful, the most evolved entity that we can when we die, so that we set the precedent for the next generation and have our legacy live when we cease to exist.
We ultimately elevate ourselves through a series of pushing others down so that we can seem superior. We need to feel better than the next so that our existence has purpose.
We dwell on feeling negatively towards ourselves so that we have something (a goal) to constantly strive for, to achieve; because if we didn't, our lives would have no purpose.

It comes down to us being divided between sadists and masochists.

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