I hate death.

i hate the repurcussions and the ramifications it carries for those on the outer circle.
I hate the fact that it makes others reflect upon their own shortcomings and in turn makes them place the blame on another's demise inwardly.
but why?
sometimes it's necessary.
sometimes it's not a question of what's right or wrong for the world, it's a question of what's right or wrong for the person making the decision regarding their action to take life into their own hands.

i have no control.
i have no self control.
i have no control over the worlds' state of affairs.
i have no control over those who tried to control me.

Am i desperate?
why do i always come back to you?

i can't breathe.

that sounds so clutchy and myspace-y and like a total overreaction to life.
but here i am...

choking on tears and pent-up resent regret hatred
why the fuck is this on blogger?
why do i post this shit on the internet?
no one cares.
no one wants to save someone else when they can barely sustain themselves...
that is
except for me


am i an anomaly?

do i hold myself in any higher regard because i'd rather put my friends first?

i don't.

i can't do this anymore. this is not a suicide note. this is not a death wish.
just please, don't ask me to stick around because my absence to you would be unbearable.

if you loved me at all, just let me go. let your selfishness go.

this is what's best for me.

i need to go.